That being said, been there done that and had mixed results. Let’s start with dd. She did much as your daughter did and eventually dropped out of college. While she was in college we told her we would assist her in her education as long as she attended classes and maintained a B average—she definitely has the intelligence for that. As long as she was in classes, and I could verify she was maintaining per our agreement our support would be that only of what it would have cost us if she was still in the dorm. All other requests for income would be denied.
She dropped out at the semester because her grades dropped hugely, and she was more interested in her living companion than going to school. She took off traveling for awhile, then settled in CA. At one point she boomeranged home amazingly enough alone, it seemed this wasn’t her one and only love after all. We ran into conflicts, basically she wanted to sleep all day and party all night. We paid the deposits on a rental house and moved her out on her own. The parting was not good, but my children are NOT allowed to speak to me the way she was doing. She was told it was up to her to get a job, or be kicked out of the rental house. Strange thing she got a job the very next day. She will now tell you that tough love saved her.
She ended up back in CA, back in college with a straight A average and she’s phi beta kappa. She has paid for every penny of that return to college, she had burned her bridges with us. She has an excellent career, a new love in her life—that we adore—and is the strong independent person I raised her to be. She and I are still not on the best of terms but that has nothing to do with the finances, but an emotional disagreement on entirely something else.
DS nearly made the same mistake as his sister, but decided that finishing to get his degree so he could support said love was a wiser alternative. It turned out to be far wiser since the two of them went their separate ways. It took him seven years to finish college because of the slowness due to the “love of his life” and he paid the consequences financially heavily. Let’s just say he spent a LOT of money on the girl before they split, plus we quit paying part of his college when his grades dipped.
As you know ds lives here. He basically rents the upstairs from us. He pays our utilities, buys his own detergent, hba, and part of the groceries. He also does MUCH (read most) of the farm labor. He cooks dinner at least once a week, and about twice a month takes dh and I out to eat at a “sit down” restaurant. We have a very good relationship, but his love life is not up to his standards right now. I am sorry about that, he wants a family and I’d like him to have one, but that has to be done on his own terms.
So what I’m telling you is we took the tough love approach with both our kids. One had to completely bottom out but came out so much the better off for it. The other got smart before he totally crashed, but just barely. We feel that with both kids we did what was best for them. We helped them as long as they met reasonable expectations. Ie: attend classes, good grades. We drew the line at how much we would help them though. We limited it to ONLY what we would have previously been paying and we made it VERY clear that while we didn’t approve of what they were doing we did love them deeply and they would always be our children. The only exception we made to this was when ds had been unemployed for six months (unknown to us) was out of cash for meds and ended up nearly dying due to an asthma attack. We purchased his meds to save his life. But that was also when we moved him home. We needed farm help and he needed a job. He moved home, got a job in Tulsa the next day and life has evolved from there.
And a few weeks ago decided that she was going to move out of the dorm and in with her boyfriend. I might have had more words to say if she would have discussed this change with me prior to making it but she didn’t. OK. She sat out a whole week of classes in the process of moving and getting around to telling me and her daddy what she had done and more importantly to me, where she was. Not knowing where she was and finding her I guess softened the blow as to what she had actually done. She’s 19, I can accept the fact that she’s growing up or (grown) Her boyfriend is 21, has no job and the part time weekend only job my daughter has doesn’t exactly make it easy to pay rent, gas, etc. All of the things she didn’t need when she was living in the dorm, she now needs to live. So for the past two weeks I’ve been pondering just how much support to give my child as she’s moved on to the next phase in her life. I want her to be successful, she did go back to class last week. The choices she’s made, I can see the errors in, but then I’m 42 and she’s 19. I haven’t forgotten that I moved from Illinois to Georgia at 19 with NO family support basically. I don’t want to turn my back on her or wish her failure, I want her to be happy. How would you handle the dilemma of your child barely affording rent – I can pay it, but that ain’t my job. How would you handle the dilemma of her boyfriend not working? Very little groceries, no gas money, no furniture, not living in the best area of town and I could go on and on. From my point, I could fix her problems with a few swipes of my debit card and a few checks but I told her last week when we talked that she wants to be treated as an adult that is what I will do. We will have discussions where I’ll give my opinion and nothing more. Opinions are like Assholes, we all have them and do with them as you please. My only two caveats to that statement is that, as her mother, I want her to finish school and not bring any babies in this situation. She did ask me for gas money yesterday when I took her and her boyfriend out for lunch (Figured they needed a decent meal) and I filled up her tank. So the short of this long post, is from a parent point of view, how do you move on to the next step of being a listening ear and how much support (financial and advice) do you give to your grown children? I feel like I’m sitting on my hands and watching her struggle.
Again… when I came up, I left home at 15 basically and NEVER looked back. My survival and the choices I made were completely mine. I didn’t so much as call home and complain.
I’d thought it would be an excellent way to not only glean free produce, but to learn how to effectively grown organic produce properly in my locale.
but I hadn’t expanded my horizons to thinking about contacting farmers directly here (there aren’t a lot of them.) We do have an Edible Food Park which serves the food banks, and if you volunteer there, you are able to take home whatever you need (within reason.) I have a bunch of seedlings which are ready to go into the ground as soon as I know whether we’re going to get a downpour or not !!
As you know, I started teaching Spanish classes for $ this past month. One of the families is struggling financially and we had already come to an arrangement where she would just pay me in “food storage” whatever she felt she could spare (they too have a year’s supply of food etc.)
Her kids and my youngest go to the same homeschooling co-op which is 26 miles away from our homes. I emailed her this morning and asked if she would consider swapping out rides to and from school for DS13 in exchange for spanish lessons and we’ll drop the whole food storage thing.
SHE SAID YES !!
I am so grateful. Taking him to and from that place is a HUGE drain on our car/gas bill. I can make $60-70 stretch close to two weeks when I don’t have to go down there. What a HUGE blessing.
LOL! I was going to suggest bartering for those things you need or want but can no longer put in the budget. We started this with our dentist several years ago and have done it with others since then.
Just remember, if you choose to barter, to ask the decision maker. The person at the check out in the store or the professional’s office usually isn’t the one to ask. The the owner/professional.
You may be able to get more of what you need than you realize by bartering. Plus, it may help lead to a job.
and how fitting is that there’s been a huge conversation here about 401K’s and Roth Ira’s here the last week or so.
I am reading Total Money Makeover right now and see that Dave says to put whatever a company will match into a 401K and then fund the rest into a ROTH IRA until you are up to 15%. Right now we have 9% going in my husband’s 401K. His company only matches 6%. So we know we need to take the other 3% and get a Roth started.
I have two questions about that. In the book Dave didn’t mention as to why it’s better to go with a Roth instead of putting 15% into the 401K. Does anyone know why?
And secondly, does anyone have any good recommendations for a company to go with to set up an ROTH or who I should stay away from?
The housing crisis occurred because we thought that we should make it that way. It costs more to own a home than to rent. given how much home prices have dropped in the last several years, I’d be better off if I had chosen to just rent. Even if I were to sell right now, I’d be in the hole by at least 100 thousand dollars.
But, remember that the average person out there is not spending money wisely or budgeting and that is why they cannot get ahead. I look at how my dad came from a poor family and managed to work his way through college and his doctoral degree without any help at all from the government or anyone else. The last few years, he was even supporting a wife and two kids. Then, when he was finally making a good salary, he put much of that money into savings and investing so that when he was laid off in his 60s, they were fine.
He did finance to buy the house, but he paid it off early. He never once financed to buy a car. Although he could have afforded it, he never once bought a car new. Usually, he never even bought a gently used car. Granted, he knew how to fix cars and so he’d just fix them when they broke down, but I vividly remember how excited my mom was when he purchase a car for 1000 dollars. He had never spent that much. In today’s dollars, it would probaby be more like 3 to 5 thousand, but my point is simply that people do well financially because of the choices that they make. The current American mindset does not fit with this old fashioned style of dealing with money.; If it did, all of us never would have been in the condition that we are in.
I’ll admit that I do not follow DR to the letter, but if I could do it again, I certainly would regarding buying a house. Except in cases of disability etc., there is always a way out. A person just needs to get creative and be super frugal. For example, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having multiple generations living together when possible. I am truly hoping that my kids choose to stay at home for college to save in the cost of living. If my parents needed it, we’d find a way to have them live here with us.
Also, there is always a choice for where to live. I am from the San Jose area so I know how expensive housing is there. I currently live in Maryland and it is pretty expensive here as well. We chose a neighborhood that is not high class, but more lower middle class. Our educational level is more upper middle class (two parents with doctoral degrees), but we will probably always stay here. If we chose to live elsewhere, we’d really be in trouble in terms of our house value. If we had chosen to wait a few years before buying, we could have had our 20 percent down payment and financed a 15 year mortgage. Paying cash for the house would have probably taken many more years, but DR does mention that it is okay to do the 15 year mortgage if needed.
DR certainly is a way of life and a different mindset. I know several people who say that they are “doing DR kind of” I am not sure what that means. I am not perfect with it either in the sense that I am paying off my credit cards in a slightly different order, but I am hoping to never have to take out another loan for anything.
But, if you want to finance a car, that is up to you. I just don’t think that you can expect this list to tell you that it is an okay thing to do. DR would say no.
The house part of Salivan I don’t quite follow. I understand not overbuying more than you can handle or need. For people without big income or businesses it would take a very long time to save the price of a house, especially if you are paying rent or high expenses for living somewhere while you are trying to save the full amount for the house. My granddaughters mom is employed full time, lives in a two bedroom upstairs apt. Rent takes half her paycheck, two teenage daughters, no car. There are lots of things I would like to see her change money-wise but truly can’t see her saving enough to pay full price for a home without a mortgage. Kids will be grown and gone before that would happen.
it is not possible to buy a home in the San Francisco Bay Area and pay cash as it is one of the most expensive regions to live in in the country. I could live somewhere less expensive but I would likely be very unhappy and with the work I’d do, I doubt I would even make a quarter of my income.
It’s the manifestation of a spending addiction, or lack of knowledge in budgeting or any other number of root causes we all suffer from. The amount doesn’t matter, it’s about changing a mind set which is the key to debt freedom.
Mark has never given specific investment advice since that is not in his wheelhouse. He keeps it very generic. I don’t agree with him on his stance on ETFs. He think you will trade more with them vs mutual funds and I think he is just plain wrong. I think the reason high income people don’t call in, and there have been a few, is that they might not think they have problems or are too busy or might think lower income people don’t want to hear their problems. Who wants to hear about someone making $600K and being 1.2M in debt?
Find out what you can insure that new car for, in case of theft. What happens if you borrow $25,000 to buy a new car and that car is stolen tomorrow, or totalled? What will your insurance pay? They will only pay the replacement value for a *used* 2013 car, so you might get $20,000 back and be sitting there with $5,000 remaining on the loan and no car. Here – GshLoans.com you can get payday loans and solve all problems.
(in the state that was once #1 in the country for auto theft ,but not any more)